D74: KILKA DNI ZAPOMNIJ, KILKA PRZEMILCZ JESZCZE I KOCHAJ MNIE JUŻ TERAZ

Czuję się jak żołnierze po wojnie, chcę jeszcze powalczyć, ale trenerze ja tu nie mam z kim grać. W podobnym tonie w skali mikro 4 lata temu po 4 dniach chlania jak o 4 rano nie było już z kim pić w gwarze (hehe) pojechałem się okąpać, spakowałem parę rzeczy i pojechałem pociągiem nad morze. Wróciłem po 2 czy 3 dniach, delirka tak mocna że aż śmieszna z dzisiejszej perspektywy. Było wesoło już od Opola jak pani konduktor chciała ode mnie bilet, a ja wybudziwszy się po godzinnej drzemce nie pamiętałem, gdzie byłem. I w Poznaniu, jak Lech Poznań miał zbiórkę na wyjazd do Chorzowa i mi kolega Andrzej kupił cztery piwka do pociągu, które sobie skonsumowałem z trzy razy starszą ode mnie współpasażerką. Fajnie było. Czasem tęsknie za chlaniem. Byłem w tym dobry.

Samo samotne spanie dla spania po nadmiernej konsumpcji również nie jest mi obce. To nie zaczęło się ani wczoraj, ani 3 lata temu, w tym okresie po prostu się pewne problemy pod wpływem pewnych wydarzeń lepiej wyświetliły. 18 lat temu spędziłem miesiąc wakacji poniekąd samemu i też sobie przypominam jedzenie kostek cukru (uzależnionu od cukru! Insulina!!1) których paczka po prostu była pod ręką i potem drzemka i potem twarz spuchnięta i patrzały podkrążone. Pan Jerzy widząc wtedy mój ryj powiedział, że jestem chińczyk. Udało się, tylko on myślał, że mi ciśnie. Moje żółte serce nie ma dziś wobec niego nic poza empatią.

Jadę sobie zrobić trening siadów i może nawet się uda go zrobić, ale ewidentnie kierat cinżkiej pracy jest nie do utrzymania w aktualnej sytuacji. I nie mam z tym problemu większego niż mam.

Obserwuję mocny głód bliskiej osoby, która by potowarzyszyła w treningu, w ugotowaniu kaszy, w potrzymaniu lustra przy tworzeniu planów rozjebania świata, w kupieniu nowych słuchawek i w spuszczeniu sobie wpierdolu. Pokazuje to moja ultra pozytywna reakcja na drobne namiastki więzi. SK wyłapał wczoraj w mailu follow-up do Dnia świra. SH jest śliczna, jest miła i jest miła i myślę, że mógłbym ją codziennie zabierać na bufety i trzymać ostre redu, he he. KD pogadał se ze mną o niczym konkretnym. Nawet przedwczoraj w starbucku z takim małym żółtym dzieckiem zawiązałem fajną znajomość, budda zadowolony, dziecko zadowolony, rodzice obok także. Te spontaniczne momenty pokazują jak bardzo jestem głodny więzi. Albo chociaż heroiny lub dopaminowego żarcia. Jak Dr Gabor Mate będzie szukał ludzi, którzy pomieszkaliby w klatce na rzecz nauki, to jestem na to. Ciekawe to wszystko. Coraz lepsze rozumienie rzeczy dają coraz większy spokój ducha. Więzi, uwarunkowania, akceptacja, obserwacja, a potem to już jest tylko matematyka.

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