JESTEM JESZCZE BARDZIEJ

5 miesięcy temu przyleciałem po zakończeniu redukcji z Polski na Tajwan. Napisałem wtedy tekst pt. „Ja już jestem„. O ostatecznym dowodzie na to, że warto żyć, bo nie zawsze było to takie oczywiste – kursy mocno fluktuowały, czasami „nie” było mocnym faworytem. O tym, że świadomość swoich doświadczeń w chwili obecnej to wszystko, co jest mi dostępne. Cała rzeczywistość sprowadza się do zawartości świadomości. Nawet jeżeli nie wiemy, w jaki sposób i gdzie dokładnie ona powstaje, to ten fenomen jest jedynym dowodem na cokolwiek. Reszta to tylko historie, teorie i predykcje, które może są prawdziwe, a może nawet nie są. Maybe yes, maybe no.

Ta skromna dystynkcja daje tak ogromne poczucie wyzwolenia, lekkości i tak ogromny poziom motywacji do działania, że próba opisania tego jest skazana na porażkę. Spróbuj opisać kosmos słowami, good luck with that. Ale nie poddam się tak łatwo, to jest właśnie kurwa silna wola, chuj że się nie klei, trzeba cisnąć. Tyle że właśnie ta strategia życiowa polega na mądrym oszczędzaniu silnej woli. Są krótkie okresy, kiedy się idzie na wojnę i wtedy trzeba walczyć, wygrać, zniszczyć, jak mawiał Sz. P. Karol Zdunek. Ale na codzień przede wszystkim chodzi o zarządzanie swoimi zasobami, bo strzyc owieczkę można wiele razy, a zarżnąć tylko raz.

Wszystko w oparciu o uczciwość absolutną wobec swoich uwarunkowań i ograniczeń. A uczciwość to bardziej kwestia ciężkiej pracy umysłowej niż dobrych intencji. Im bardziej wnikliwie obserwuję ludzi (w tym siebie), tym bardziej ewidentne wydaje się być, że aby kłamać innych, najpierw trzeba uwierzyć w swoje kłamstwa. Dlatego też coraz rzadziej słuchanie chujowych ludzkich wymówek spotyka się z moim oburzeniem, a coraz częściej ze współczuciem.

I tak sobie oto właśnie przyleciałem do Los Angeles z Nowego Jorku, gdzie celebrowałem przez weekend zakończenie redukcji z Samem, Yadirą i Kornelią. W poniedziałek na śniadanie w Alaska Lounge zjadłem 1500 węgli, serio. Jak król pojadłem, jak król pospałem w samolocie i jak król przeszedłem w niecałe 4 godziny drogę z LAX do Hollywood Hills. Owszem, można pojechać taksówką, busem, a nawet uberem (tak, tak – uberem). Ale ja się wczoraj nigdzie nie spieszyłem, ja już byłem, gdzie trzeba i to w każdym momencie. Przesłuchałem uważnie Nagrania Transowe, Nielegal 215, Nielegal 216, Nielegal 217 oraz ANtY. Bardzo podobne uczucie, jak 5 miesięcy temu na Tajwanie – to poczucie, że mocno jestem tu i teraz, niezależnie czy siedzę, czy idę, czy leżę.

Zastanawiałem się, co tak naprawdę sprawia, że aktualnie jestem najszczęśliwszy ever. To, że mam najlepszy brzuch TJPK? To, że poznałem Sama? To, że się objadłem bez wyrzutów sumienia? To, że jeszcze przed wyjazdem klepnąłem rozpoczęcie ważnego projektu z wizją opartą na najbardziej wartościowych fundamentach? To, że po przylocie do LA poczułem się ciepło przyjęty (co prawda nobody gave me a banana, ale zastały mnie 4 mandarynki, 2 jabłka i 1 gruszka oraz Frank Sinatra na głośnikach)? To, że wyspałem się jak król i że zaliczyłem królewski spacer ze wschodem słońca na featuringu? To, że rozpocząłem kolejny projekt z niespotykaną dotąd łatwością i nadwyżką? To, że w czasie pisania dostałem sympatyczną wiadomość od niewiasty, z którą się rozstaję? To, że w czasie tego samego pisania dostałem jeszcze bardziej sympatyczną wiadomość od niewiasty, którą zaczynam zdobywać? To, że zamówione pankejki i kawki były najlepsze na świecie? To, że na kolacje zjem sobie już dobrą buddyjską szamę na bazie cebuli? To, że w niedzielę w prywatnej lidze biznesu +30 będę najlepszym chłopem na placu? Maybe yes, maybe no.

Probably no, ponieważ najwięcej szczęścia widzę w tym, jak to wszystko niemalże bezwysiłkowo się pojawia i z jak wielką otwartością chłonę każdy z tych bodźców. I z jak wielką akceptacją przyjmuję, jak odchodzi i się zmienia. To, jak sobie płynę i obserwuję. To, że nie biję się z wodą, chmurami, deszczem i ignorantami. I do tego właśnie sprowadza się to bycie. A aktualnie czuję, że jestem jeszcze bardziej niż kiedykolwiek.

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