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W życiu najczęściej myślę o życiu, jak ślicznie zaśpiewał jeden z moich ulubionych gorzowskich piosenkarzy. I tak sobie myślę o życiu przy poświątecznej kawce w centrum Manchesteru i wydumałem, że mogę podzielić życie (jak dotąd) na trzy etapy: pierwszy to miotanie się z pragnieniami, drugi to złudzenie akceptacji, trzeci to akceptacja pragnień, czwarty to Arsenal.

Najpierw jest nieco ślepe szukanie tego czegoś, co ostatecznie mnie wypełni. Zostać panem piłkarzem, zostać panem bukmacherem, zostać zwycięzcą, zdobyć milion folołersów i subskrybantów, mieć najlepszy brzuch, mieć rodzinę, wyruchać Dodę czy zdać testy do Koła Fortuny. Przykładów i możliwości jest nieskończenie wiele – dealer’s choice. Jeśli ktoś ma szczęście, to uda się to szybko osiągnąć i zauważyć, że ani to, ani kolejne substytuty nie dają takiego ostatecznego spełnienia. Za chwilę potrzeba nam czegoś znowu. Podobnie jak Sam Harris, nie znam osoby, która by uznała, że rozwiązała wszystkie swoje problemy i teraz będzie siedzieć i jeść lody. Nawet gdyby to nie były lody tylko sernik. W pewnym momencie procesu spożywania sernika, jego nadmiar zaczyna być problemem i trzeba ten problem rozwiązać. Rozsądnym rozwiązaniem może być na przykład przestać jeść. Alternatywą może być założenie kanału na jutubie i wylewanie żali, że się nie potrafi przestać jeść. Bo kompuls był za mocny a szyny były złe.

Większość ludzi nie przestaje się w taki sposób miotać. Nawet jeśli górnolotne marzenia zanikają, umysł kręci swoim nosem, że coś jest nie tak. Że gdyby cośtam kiedyśtam było inaczej, to teraz byłoby inaczej. Albo że jak cośtam kiedyśtam będzie inaczej, to cośtam kiedyśtam będzie inaczej. W międzyczasie z różnym powodzeniem, z różnym głodem i różnym nasyceniem, zadowalamy się substytutami. Ale tak jak mefedron to nie kokaina, tak bycie chórzystką to nie to samo co bycie piosenkarką niezależnie jak bardzo będziesz się oszukiwać. Niektórzy tankują do pełna, ćpają po mogiłę, niektórzy po drodze tracą siłę.

Są jednak tacy, którzy w dużej mierze potrafią zaakceptować, że żadne bogactwo, żaden związek, żadne hobby nie będzie długofalową odpowiedzią na kumulację wszelkich pragnień wygenerowanych przez uwarunkowany umysł. Taki stan umysłu bardzo często w połączeniu z praktykami kontemplacyjnymi pozwala osiągać bardzo wysokie tudzież głębokie stany doświadczenia. Ogromne wyzwolenie. Tyle że często wtedy wpadamy w bardzo podobną pułapkę. Wierzymy, że to staje się odpowiedzią na wszelkie pragnienia, kiedy de facto jest to tylko zaspokojenie pragnienia niepragnienia iluzji ostatecznego trwałego spełnienia.

Brzmi skomplikowanie? Pozwolę sobie użyć przykładu. Marzysz występować przed ludźmi. Udaje się. Cudownie. Marzysz być sławnym komikiem. Udaje się. Zajebiście. Potem chcesz być gwiazdą filmową. Nie udaje się i po wyprzedanym występie w jednym z londyńskich teatrów chce ci się płakać z rozpaczy. Załóżmy, że następnie zamiast bezzajawkowego odcinania kuponów i obniżania lotów, zaczynasz medytować i po jakimś czasie przychodzi wyzwolenie i widzisz, że to by nic nie dało. To i tak by nic nie dało. I tak by nic nie dało i tak. Eureka. Znowu jest cudownie. Ośrodek nagrody w mózgu zadowolony, koledzy w klubie zadowoleni, żona w domu także. Zaczynasz wierzyć w historię, że wystarczy „kontrolować umysł i nie pragnąć” i już zawsze będzie fajnie.

Tyle że to nie tylko kolejna mrzonka, ale po prostu dokładnie ten sam początkowy mechanizm. Jak pragniesz sławy, to jesteś jej głodny aż się najesz jej albo jej substytutu takiego jak wódka, sernik albo faktyczne zaprzestanie niepragnienia poprzez zmianę sposobu myślenia. To ostatnie nie zawsze jest realne. Spróbuj nie pragnąć oddychać. Jeśli jesteś dzieckiem, spróbuj nie pragnąć przytulenia matki. Jeśli jesteś zaszytym alkoholikiem, spróbuj nie pragnąć pić, gdy widzisz kredens pełen wódy. Jeśli jesteś skejtem, to słuchaj tylko tego.

To tylko oczywiste przykłady, ale na codzień co chwilę moje życie wypełnione jest pragnieniami typu iść do ubikacji, ubrać się bo zimno, rozebrać się bo ciepło, zrobić sobie najlepszy brzuch bo jestem za gruby, objadać się bo jestem chudy i poczucie bezpieczeństwa zostało naruszone. Ten ostatni przykład wydaje się mniej oczywisty i tym bardziej warto go przytoczyć. Kiedy pragnienia kojarzone są z mózgiem typu chcę być sławny, to mówimy, że to „ja” mam pragnienie. Kiedy pragnienia kojarzone są z innymi częściami ciała typu głód lub przejedzenie, mówimy, że to brzuch boli mnie, tak jakby to była moja własność, a ja byłbym odrębnym bytem. Tyle że to wszystko część tego systemu. Nie znam możliwości wyjścia z tego systemu i nie znam nikogo, kto zna.

Znam za to wielu, którzy myślą, że znają takie sposoby. Przeważnie są to ludzie, którym w zaprzestaniu pragnienia ma pomóc siła wyższa i to dzięki niej mają potrafić kontrolować swój umysł. I nie zrozum mnie źle, mówię jak Bill Burr. Buddyzm to nie jest stara i mądra religia. „Mądra religia” to oksymoron. Wczoraj będąc na lekcji i słysząc nauczanie, jak kontrolować swoje myśli (i nie tylko) uznałem, że chyba już lepsze są podręczniki dla akwizytorów, które rzucają banalnymi oczywistościami. Chyba wolę słuchać, że powinienem pościelić łóżko i umyć penisa niż że powinienem kontrolować swoje myśli. Kiedy jednak wiara w jakąś historię przesłania prawdziwą rzeczywistość, cykl miotania bynajmniej się nie kończy. Po prostu uzależnienie od alkoholu zamienia się w uzależnienie od AA, uzależnienie od sławy filmowej zamienia się w uzależnienie od wiary w kontrolowanie swoich myśli. Pragnę tyle wygrać, by nie pragnąć ma w pewnym pragmatycznym kontekście sens, aczkolwiek pragnienie niepragnienia to nadal pragnienie.

Zapragnąłem ten kolejny akapit zacząć od tego, że jest ok pragnąć. Aczkolwiek po chwili zapragnąłem nie oceniać tego, czy to jest ok, czy nie jest. Jest jakie jest. Każda czynność jest efektem jakiegoś pragnienia albo zbioru pragnień. Tutaj ma miejsce ten trzeci etap. Zaprzestanie wiary, że istnieje idea cudownego oświecenia, kiedy to z pragnącego człowieka stajemy się niepragnącym buddą. Jeśli chodzi o takie legendy, to nie jestem buddą człowieku (NJBC) i nie aspiruję do bycia jednym. Nie jestem nikim absolutnie gorszym ani lepszym od ciebie, żyrafy w zoo ani nawet amerykańskiego bzu, który pachnie jak polski bez. Se pragnę, czasem se zaspokoję pragnienie, czasem obejdę się smakiem i se przeżyję zawód. Te instykty pierwotne wpisane w nasze ciała, religia, filozofia, kamasutra – tak to działa, jak mawia mój ulubiony polski filozof. Względem wszechświata jak mrówka, a i tak każdy myśli, że znaczony Bożą iskrą.

System zerojedynkowy i dualizm są tam, gdzie stało zomo, hipokryzja, iluzja, ignorancja i Jakub Czarodziej. Ja jestem tu, gdzie mrówka, amerykański i polski bez, Rogal DDL, Bill Burr, sernik, pragnienie, rozczarowanie, akceptacja, poczucie spełnienia, kolejne rozczarowania, kolejne pragnienia, kolejne momenty, kolejne doświadczenie i jaranko tą zabawą. I nie tylko.

A ty? Jaki jest twój ulubiony gorzowski piosenkarz?

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