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No hejka internetowy pamiętniku. Poreklamowałem sobie projekt Team JBC 2019, ciemny lud kupił, że obchodzą mnie jacyś inni ludzie, to teraz spokojnie możemy wrócić do pisania o sobie. Mój świat, moje życie i pieprzyć resztę. Ten świat uczy mnie być tym, kim jestem.

Są takie momenty, że nie widzę dla siebie miejsca na tej śmiesznej planecie. Ale są też odwrotne, takie jak ten teraz, że najchętniej mieszkałbym jednocześnie w Los Angeles, Chicago, Nowym Jorku, Tajpeju, Shihgangu, Singapurze, Kuala Lumpur, Regnano i co najmniej kilku polskich powiatach. Czuję, że jest sens tego, co robię. Czuję się potrzebny. Podkreślam: chuj z tymi ludźmi, gdyby czucie się potrzebnym nie wpływało pozytywnie na mój stan umysłu, to miałbym w piździe ich, Was, Ciebie. Ciebie też. Wyzwalające uświadomienie. Tym bardziej, że tuż po nim nachodzi radosne uświadomiene, że to de facto wpływa na bezpośrednie doświadczenie, ergo nie mam w piździe ich, Was, Ciebie. Ciebie trochę tak. Steprecords przepraszam, nie zmienię tego.

W takich momentach jedyny problem, to czy przeznaczyć swoje zasoby energii i atencji na działanie typu organizacja sretreatu, konsultacja, zrobienie przysiadów, martwych ciągów i ćwiczeń, które wymagają koordynacji ruchowej i utrzymania równowagi, czy też na naukę typu przeczytać książkę, posłuchać Gabora Matè, Michaela Gervais lub Rogala DDL. Life is full of big decisions, jak zauważył Sz. P. Peter Griffin, gdy zastanawiał się czy mając 5 minut opłaca iść się masturbować.

Sz. P. Peter Griffin zauważył też coś innego. To samo zauważyła moja skromna osoba parę dni temu, kiedy zmagałem się, a zmaganie się sprowadzało się do wnikliwej obserwacji, ze stanem negatywnym. Ze stanem smutku, przygnębienia, samotności i poczucia braku sensu, żeby nie używać kontrowersyjnego słowa na „d”. Tak sobie obserwując i pozwalając doświadczać tego, co de facto doświadczam, sytuacja po paru godzinach znacznie się poprawiła. Serio, siedziałem kilka godzin zajmując się głównie obserwacją swojego, w pewnym sensie, użalania się nad sobą. Świat nie rozumi. Ona tego nigdy tego nie zrozumisz, rozumisz.

I se tak wyszedłem wtedy na pole. Użalanie się w dużej mierze zmieniło się w bekę z siebie. Przeszacowałem „zimę” w Kalifornii. Nie wziąłem prawie żadnych ciepłych ubrań i teraz mi piździ bardziej niż gdybym w Czekanowie wychodził na spacerniak z żółtym szaliczkiem. No co za kretyn xD. Jeśli chodzi o zimę i mam być szczery, to z żółtym szaliczkiem se wolę chodzić na spacery. Gdybym musiał wybierać, to z żółtym szaliczkiem se wolę chodzić na spacery.

Takie zluzowanie majtów bardzo pomogło wrócić do doświadczalnego widzenia rzeczywistości taką, jaka jest. Precyjniej, że każde doświadczenie to tylko doświadczenie. Trwa moment, potem przychodzi kolejne. I tak do usłanej łóżnymi rzeczami śmiełci. Patrząc przez pryzmat spektrum unikalnych doświadczeń pomyślałem sobie, że pisząc do XY za godzinę mógłbym mieć tyle koksu, ile potrafię unieść i nie oszukujmy się, wtedy brak poczucia sensu nie byłby problemem. To samo pomyślał właśnie mój guru w zielonych spodniach i białej koszuli.

Nie zrozum mnie źle, mówię jak Bill Burr. Otwarcie się na jakąś potencjalną opcję bynajmniej nie oznacza, że ta opcja się wydarzy. Może być tylko i aż końcowym argumentem w burzliwej, odbywającej się w tym gupim łbie debacie, czy jestem skazany na poczucie braku sensu. Nie jestem. Jak się wciąga, to się myśli, że życie ma sens, jak było powiedziane w filmie „Że życie ma sens”. Jak to ktoś ładnie ujął, przez 10 minut jest fajnie, potem przez 10 minut z lekkim anxiety czekasz na kolejną, a na koniec z mocnym anxiety widzisz jak wjeżdża wschód słońca i depresja.

Jeśli chodzi o gwałty, Jim Jefferies proponuje nie gwałcić. Jeśli chodzi o wciąganie koksu, ja osobiście proponuję nie wciągać. Ale jeszcze bardziej zalecam nie zakrzywiać rzeczywistości, tylko w pełni ją zaakceptować. Lub chociaż się starać. Dlatego też mając tę nieco szerszą perspektywę zaraz po kilkusekundowym rozważeniu konsumpcji kokainy wpadłem na jeszcze lepszy pomysł: nie konsumować kokainy! You didn’t see that coming now, did you? Tak też zrobiłem. Kosztem krótkiego poczucia zajebistości (którego bynajmniej nie odmawiam, akceptacja i świadomość, rozumisz, nie rozumisz) zaoszczędziłem według mojej skromnej subiektywnej oceny znacznie więcej. Nie czułem w sobie ciężkiego dźwigania ciężkich ciężarów ani innych konstruktywnych, zwłaszcza mentalnie, ruchów, ale poszedłem na siłkę, przez kilka godzin potrollowałem samego siebie w głowie, ponagrywałem ćwiczenia z nowego planu treningowego z mikrociężarami i na koniec dnia czułem, że miałem z niego satysfakcję. Tamten dzień to nadal maksymalnie 4/10, ale w kontekście startowego 2/10 to 200% normy i zajebista nauka w chuj.

Ona tego nigdy nie zrozumisz, rozumisz.

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