CHAMSTWO PRZY KOLACJI

Wczoraj przy kolacji Pani Mama z mojej tajwańskiej familii, u której przez kilka dni mieszkam zapytała w trybie casual, co robiłem za dnia. Przez ułamek sekundy poczułem się zaatakowany, jak gdyby to pytanie niosło za sobą przesłanie czemu tak mało zrobiłeś ty pierdolony leniu i jebana polska kurwo co kiedyś miała lepszy brzuch. Po tym ułamku sekundy jednak grzecznie odpowiedziałem, że robiłem martwe ciągi z uśmiechem, czytałem, rozmawiałem ze znajomymi (nie przyznałem się, że to dyskutowanie projektów, co można by podpiąć pod robotę), robiłem research logistyczny po Tajwanie, a na koniec – nieśmiało, ale jednak – przyznałem się, że pisałem bloga przy kawce w 7-eleven. Teoretycznie był minimalny strach, że zostanę oceniony jako pan pisarz, a potem okaże się, że prawie nikt tego nie czyta, ale ten strach został przeważony przez klarowność umysłu i pewność siebie. W razie problemów byłem w stanie przyjebać z dyńki lub pokazać komentarz Sz. P. Izabeli, że ładnie to napisałem. Potem jeszcze dopytali, na chuj jadę na te medytacje, poopowiedziałem to i owo i nie tylko poczułem się zaakceptowany, ale i uszanowany i doceniony. Powymienialiśmy się szczerymi uprzejmościami. Było miło. Poza tym jak ja wczoraj robiłem kolację, to podałem ugotowanego kurczaka, a wy dzisiaj na stół dajecie surowego i Adam Słodowy zrób to sam. I kto tu jest leniwą kurwą?

Tym niemniej po kolacji popracowałem jeszcze nad planami na najbliższe tygodnie, miesiące i nie tylko. Pobukowałem parę lotów, retreatów, powysyłałem parę zapytań, pomysłów. Słowem złowiłem parę łososiów (dzikich, idealne do low fat high carb) i zarzuciłem wędkę na parę kolejnych. Przez najbliższy miesiąc planuję medytować, robić jogę (po co dwa razy?), ćpać ayahuascę (ćpunem będziesz już na zawsze cię nie zmieni lepszy Tajwan) i nie tylko. Co nie tylko, planuję w tym czasie być na trzech kontynentach, na Tajwanie, w Chinach (po co dwa razy?), w Stanach (byłeś kiedyś?) i w Peru. A ona mi chciała zarzucić, że nic nie robię. To jest zwykłe chamstwo. To również spory krok w tym samym kontekście rozpoznawania swoich irracjonalnych uwarunkowań i stawiania im czoła. Tak jak przezwyciężyłem strach przy kolacji, tak tutaj przezwyciężyłem tę gównianą niepewność, że nie wiem, co będzie za miesiąc, więc lepiej się nie deklarować na jakiś kolejny wyjazd czy kolejny projekt. Dużo przez takie czekanie na nie wiadomo co w życiu straciłem. Lepiej późno niż wcale. Dlatego cieszę się, że zaczynam sobie coraz lepiej radzić z tym, że Elżbieta ani nawet Małgorzata nie wejdzie za chwilę na Dostępny i nie powie, że to na nią czekam i że odpala białego rumaka i że zaraz będzie. Ale jestem na Tajwanie, Elu 🙁 nic nie szkodzi, Maciej, już do Ciebie jadę. No ok to czekam. W sensie właśnie już nie czekam i za to props. Rozumisz, nie rozumisz.

Zanim zjem ostatni wysokobiałkowy posiłek idę za chwilę zrobić ostatnią siłkę przed przymusowo zaplanowanym deloadem, bo nie spodziewałbym się, że w Dhamma Udaya mają sztangi (good call, ty to trochę się chyba znasz na życiu, jaworku). Zostawiłem sobie na ostatni trening coś przyjemnego. Military press 4 sety po 5 repów 65kg, 55kg ile wlezie (linia w pinnacle 10.5), a jak będzie czas i zajawka, to zrobię sobie cardio z jakimiś lekkimi przysiadami and whatnut. No i powrót na chatę 6km rowerem. Ty to jesteś budda, człowieku. Już od dłuższego czasu chodzi mi po głowie zrobienie sobie dłuższego odpoczynku od siłki, by zobaczyć jakie spektrum doświadczeń może mi towarzyszyć, kiedy układ nerwowy nie jest w ten sposób obciążany. To może być dobry timing, żeby spróbować. Maybe yes, maybe no. I tak wszyscy, kurwa, tu żyjemy w błędzie. Bezsprzecznie, elo.

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