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Pomimo demotywujących algorytmów cukierberga, które sprawiają, że posty docierają do 5% ludzi na fanpejczu i pomimo wynikającego z tego i nie tylko z tego poczucia braku zainteresowania siadam do kolejnego tekstu pisanego przy kawce z FamilyMart (konkurencja 7-Eleven). Chcę opisywać swój proces i ze zrozumieniem, empatią, ale też mocną asertywnością podchodzę do tego, że mało kto chce mi w tym towarzyszyć. Nie poddam się tak łatwo, kurwa. Cisnę dalej, kurwa. To jest właśnie, kurwa, silna woli. Chuj, że się nie klei. Trzeba cisnąć. Tym razem nie będzie bez przekliku z fejsa. Za karę dla Zbrocha, bo ani nie dał serduszka, ani nawet lajka. To ile znaczą dziś wirtualne kciuki i serduszka wczoraj bym nie przypuszczał.

Jestem w akceptacji z aktualnym stanem rzeczy i pomysły, nad którymi sobie pomału dumam stoją w odniesieniu do tej sytuacji, a nie wbrew jej. Nie wspominając (jak to nie?) o tym, że przede wszystkim mają być (i są) w zgodzie z zaakceptowanymi uwarunkowaniami. Dlatego też nie planuję otwierać burdelu, a nawet gdybym miał otwierać, to na ten moment taki biznes byłby podporządkowany moim wartościom, a nie celem samym w sobie. Czyli dla przykładu jeśli chciałbym otworzyć centrum medytacji czy cośtam innego, to chodziłoby o źródło finansowania, a nie o źródło samozadowolenia i dyplomu za zostanie sytym i zadowolonym z siebie kretynem.

Aktualnie zarówno otwarcia burdelu, jak i centrum medytacji nie widać na horyzoncie. Realizacja innych pomysłów w największej mierze tak naprawdę zależy od stopnia zajawki, jakimi wykażą się potencjalni partnerzy. Jeden z eurekowych pomysłów sprzed paru dni zarzuciłem ziomkowi, który powiedział, że zrobi swój research w weekend. I bardzo takie coś szanuję, bo jak zarzucam jakiś temat komuś, kto jest zarobiony w tygodniu i chce z doskoku wszystko naraz, to nie daję dużych szans na powodzenie. Dlatego też miło było być obudzonym przez dudniącego whatsappa dziś o świcie. Chociaż nie wiem jaki świt, bo wstałem o dwunastej. Nawet nie odczytałem tego poza paroma słowami i linkami – zostawię sobie tę atrakcję na później. Z rana (czasu europejskiego, bo w sumie tak operuję jeszcze) nie wymaga wielkiej siły woli ojebać parę kopi o ko songów, odpisać na maile, napisać parę akapitów, zrobić kilkudziesięciu przysiadów i military pressów. Kiedy jednak przyjdzie wieczór, kiedy narkotyk staje się obsesją i kiedy jest miłość w parku igieł cukierni 7-eleven, porozkminianie wspólnego byznesu może być bardzo interesującym zajęciem. To jest właśnie silna wola zarządzanie bodźcami na podstawie świadomości swoich uwarunkowań.

Bardzo interesującego wywodu Sz. P. Yuvala wczoraj wysłuchałem. Spośród paru odnotowanych rzeczy najbardziej na czasie jest przykład z niezdanym egzaminem w kontekście przyszłości edukacji. Niebezzasadna jest teza, że w przypadku nauki do egzaminu i podjęcia go, najlepszą nauką może być zareagowanie na to, że go oblałem. Chodzi o reakcję ojejku i co teraz?, dzięki czemu potencjalnie z coraz większym spokojem można emanować w trudnych, kryzysowych momentach. Oczywiście nie chodzi o to, żeby celowo oblewać egzamin, mam nadzieję, że nie jesteś, kurwa, takim idiotom, żeby to było trzeba wyjaśniać, ale jeśli jesteś, to właśnie to wyjaśniłem. I to też jest ok.

I tak właśnie obserwowałem się wczoraj mając umiarkowanie interesującą rozmowę (o medytacji) i umiarkowanie nieinteresującą rozmowę (o filmach). I tak jak w przypadku pierwszej pojawiła się negatywna myśl ech, mam lody w lodówce, będę musiał zjeść, żeby się nie zmarnowały, a nie mam apetytu, tak w drugiej jak tylko będę mógł się stąd zerwać, to może jeszcze do 7-Eleven skoczę po jakąś kanapeczkę albo donuta albo dwie kanapeczki i trzy donuty. I automatyczny system ocen byłby taki, że a) fajnie, że mam fajną rozmowę; b) niefajnie, że mam niefajną rozmowę; c) ojejku, nie idź jeść, nie wolno się po nocy objadać. Prawda jest jednak taka, że te zjawiska były takie, jakie były. Nocne objadanie mnie nie zabije, jedna niezła rozmowa mnie nie zbawi, jedna zła rozmowa nie odbierze mi smaku życia. Natomiast to, czego się nauczę podczas obserwacji swoich doznań w takim czy innym środowisku już może znacząco usprawnić moje oprogramowanie.

W jakim środowisku czuję, że żyję i nie mam ochoty na destrukcyjne zachowania? Czy takie środowisko jest realne? Jak sobie je stworzyc? W jakim środowisku mam swoją strefę komfortu, w której mogę się tak objadać/pić/grać/ćpać, żeby nadal ogarniać życie? Czy traktuję to jedynie jako okres przejściowy i cały czas kultywuję otwarty umysł w poszukiwaniu lepszych metod, wiesz? Czy już wewnętrznie jestem kapciem, straciłem ambicję i zostałem sytym i zadowolonym z siebie kretynem? W jakim środowisku mam ochotę uciekać do 7-Eleven? W jaki sposób mogę zmienić to środowisko?

Co prawda było już późno (grubo po 23) i już za bardzo nie chciało mi się iść do 7-Eleven 7 pięter w dół i 500m w prawo (i jeszcze z powrotem) w kontekście stopnia pragnienia. Aczkolwiek gdybym miał 7-Eleven na tym samym piętrze, to pewnie już bym się skusił. I to też jest cenna, choć już mocno stara i zakorzeniona lekcja. Jest ogromna różnica w prawdopodobieństwie konsumpcji kokainy między tym, gdy ktoś podstawia mi plater pod nos a tym, gdy trzeba bez znajomości znaleźć dilera w Singapurze. Silna wola vs Xin Jia Bo Lan.

I tak się tutaj spokojnie żyje na tym Tajwanie. Trochę przełamuję barierę nieśmiałości i dukam pierwsze słowa po chińsku. Odczuwam sporo wzajemnego szacunku. Ja nie muszę udawać, o wiele bliżej mi do azjatyckiej pokory niż amerykańskiej pewności siebie, dlatego odczuwanie wdzięczności i jej wyrażanie za jakąś tam formę akceptacji jest proste jakbym miał iść prosto. A teraz po napisaniu tekstu i po dwóch kawkach tak samo proste jest pójść na siłkę coś podźwigać mimo że muszę iść w lewo, a nie prosto. Ale jak skręcę to już później cały czas prosto. Proste jak życie. Nie komplikujmy, upraszczajmy. Nara.

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