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Mam całe życie spakowane w google docs, jak śpiewał Quebonafide (tak dla zasięgu). Spisywałem swoje bety w arkuszach od 2006 albo i lepiej, panie rezyseze. Oprócz oczywistego wykazywania finansowych szczytów i dolin można by zaobserwować w nich piękną korelację z poczuciem równowagi w życiu. Im dłużej prowadziłem dany arkusz, tym oczywiście było jej więcej. W momencie kiedy nie wytrzymywałem emocjonalnie i zaczynałem zwiększać stawki, arkusz nie był potrzebny, cug trwał od 1 dnia do 2 miesięcy, po czym następował powrót do strategii lub przerwa od gry (która też trwała przeważnie ze 2 tygodnie, nie licząc wyjątku z 2012, kiedy nie grałem chyba z 4 miesiące, a może i nawet 5. Takie cykle non stop urozmaiciły mi 10 lat żyćka mego.

 

Dlatego też bardzo doceniam, że swój aktualny arkusz ‚100DaySelfRetreat’, który rozpocząłem 19. marca tego roku, prowadzę już 200 dni. Było coś bardzo przełomowego w tym okresie. Mianowicie dosyć mocne doświadczalne rozpoznanie, że tak nigdy nie ma wszystkiego, jak nigdy nie ma niczego, więc termin „wszystko albo nic” to abstrakcja. Zawsze jest mniej niż wszystko i zawsze jest więcej niż nic. Sprowadzam to do bardzo pragmatycznej obserwacji perfekcjonistów (ty i cała reszta takich jak ty), którzy chcą wszystko robić idealnie (a zawsze może być idealniej), a jak coś nie pójdzie po myśli i nie jest pozornie idealnie, to ojejku i co teraz? Gówno kurwa dzwoń po taksę, nie nawijaj mi o zdrowiu, Bogu czy o porażce.

 

To nie koniec świata, jeśli zamiast za milion ariarów przyjebiesz 100 milionów ariarów na liczbę rzutów rożnych w drugiej lidze indyjskiej kobiet u-16 (jakich kobiet, ich matki to kobiety). Tak samo nie kończy się świat, gdy zamiast zjeść 2000 kalorii zjesz 12000 kalorii. Świat się nie kończy na bankrucie ani na wszamaniu dwóch kilo sernika. A nawet jak się kończy świat, to nie musi kończyć się arkusz. Całe to buddyjskie świrowanko ma się sprowadzać do świadomości (ha, i tutaj mógłbym skończyć), że nigdy to nie kończy się. Każdy moment to tylko moment. Niezależnie czy się jest na linie, czy się czeka (Life is on the wire, the rest is just waiting).

 

ogólnie nie dziwię się niczemu, co zobaczyłem w grze, ale tak jak już od paru tygodni mówię, jeśli ma się w miarę rozsądną koncepcję na grę (czy życie, bo zasady rządzą te same, potem to już jest tylko matematyka) to o sukcesie decyduje tylko i wyłącznie reakcja na nieuniknione słabsze okresy – napisałem to w kwietniu 2007 roku (ponad 10 lat temu yo) i dziś nadal stoję za tym jak palmy w Cali. Nie jestem tak bardzo zadowolony z tego, że udawało mi się przez ostatni miesiąc z hakiem utrzymać deficyt kaloryczny, jak z tego, że obserwowałem z mniejszą lub większą równowagą zarówno te gorsze, jak i te lepsze stany mentalne i trzymałem się strategii ich obserwowania i akceptowania dokładnie takimi jakimi są celem uczenia się siebie i całego tego bałaganu, w którym dzięki temu widzę coraz więcej porządku.

 

Redukcja sama w sobie to bardziej minicut niż robienie formy ostatecznej podchodzącej pod niezdrowo niską tkankę tłuszczową. Nie jadę do Pekinu, nie muszę dbać o formę, ale najlepsze, że te wieczory trwające dwa tygodnie przetrwałem niejednokrotnie z wzruszeniem na poziomie tego, jak boli cię brzuch a potem już nie. To uszlachetnia i oczyszcza i ogólnie czuję się klawo, jak dzisiaj kończąc cardio spacerowałem (przecież nie będę biegał jak głupek) przez Żerniki z waflami ryżowymi, ketchupem i serkiem wiejskim (które to wraz z kilogramem wiśni skonsumuję na ostatnią wieczerzę) w kieszeniach oraz z Adi Nowakiem w słuchawkach i kontemplowałem nad tym stopniem równowagi i spokoju wewnętrznego pomimo zmęczenia fizycznego (bo plecki się same nie zrobią). Łatwo o tym wszystkim mówić i wiedzieć to na poziomie intelektualnym. Sztuką jest wiedzieć to na poziomie doświadczalnym i manifestować tę wiedzę w swoich ruchach. Wiedzieć rzeczy oczywiste wcale nie jest łatwo, wejdź na redukcję i sprawdź to.

 

Teoretycznie mógłbym dociąć jeszcze mocniej, ale też po pierwsze nie wiem, po co, a po drugie za 3 dni lecę na Tajwan, zmienia się paradygmat i nie ma co biedować. Zwłaszcza, że mogę bezkosztowo ten czas wykorzystać na progresy siłowe. Wydaje się być to rozsądniejszym wyjściem, aby wyjść z redukcji wtedy, kiedy chcę, a nie wtedy, kiedy już nie umiem dalej.

 

Dużo w tym okresie progresu jeśli chodzi o zarządzanie swoimi zasobami, selektywność w angażowaniu się w rzeczy, czyli tak naprawdę asertywności. Bardzo dużo klarowności w relacjach międzyludzkich, a co jeszcze fajniejsze widzę dużo potencjału, co na nich można zbudować w przyszłości. Nie pamiętam jak smakuje sernik, rzadko bywam na BP. Mam najlepszy brzuch, jestem najsilniejszy i najzdrowszy ever. Każda kawa smakuje tak jak nigdy przedtem, delektuję się nią uważnie. Objętość jedzenia to mocny hurt, świadomy indulgence i nie zamierzam robić z kokainy marihuaniny (jbć wszystkie rude dziewczyny). Odczuwalność samotności jest ewidentna, ale głównie poprzez rozumienie jej mechanizmu bynajmniej nie jest u szczytu.

 

Redukowanie to piękne narzędzie wglądu w siebie, obserwacji swoich doznań i rozwoju swojej świadomości. Pobyć ze swoim dyskomfortem i obserwować go dokładnie tym, czym jest. To tylko stany umysłu zmieniając się moment po momencie. Każdemu troglodycie z siłki proponowałbym rozważenie wybrania się na 10-dniowy kurs vipassany. Każdemu chudemu szczurowi (albo ulanej wiadomo) z vipassany proponowałbym rozważenie pobujanie się w ścisłym kieracie dietowo-treningowym. A każdemu, kto doświadczył obu, proponowałbym rozważenie jeszcze bardziej sceptycznego wglądu w siebie, czy przypadkiem nie staje się sytym i zadowolonym z siebie kretynem. Doceniam inspirację, jaką dał mi Frank Yang, ale nie chciałbym popełniać jego błędów. Tuż za rogiem cierpienia jest oświecenie. Tuż za rogiem oświecenia jest schizofrenia. Dlatego jadę do ojczyzny Franka Yanga. Strasznie naciągana ta filozofia, ale musiałem coś na szybko wymyślić, żeby wiedzieć, po co tam lecę.

 

A póki zjem se kolację, a potem będę miał relaks. Posłucham Kabata, obejrzę serial, albo na odwrót. A jutro pierwszy dzień z mojego kolejnego studniowego self-retreatu. Zabroń mi.

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