Wszystko albo nic

 Take it easy, boy. Pragnę odnotować, że coraz bardziej dochodzi do mnie, że podejście ‚wszystko albo nic’ aka ‚dziś było źle, ale od jutra już wszystko będzie dobrze’ to nie najlepsze podejście. Coraz bardziej uczę się akceptować rzeczywistość. Od razu zaznaczam, że jest wyraźna różnica między akceptowaniem rzeczywistości a obojętnością i podejściem WJBN. Jak mawia słynna modlitwa (jak mawia co?):

Boże (kto? – przyp. budda), daj mi cierpliwość, bym pogodził się z tym, czego zmienić nie jestem w stanie. Daj mi siłę, bym zmieniał to co zmienić mogę. I daj mi mądrość, bym odróżnił jedno od drugiego.

Full rzeczy w życiu sobie poukładałem i tak jak wspomniałem, to tylko kwestia czasu, jak poukładam jedzenie. Bardzo dużą rolę w poukładaniu sobie tego widzę w filozofii ‚mindfulness’. Droga wygląda tak: mindless eating = binging -> mindful binging -> mindful eating. Nie widzę opcji, żeby przejść z dnia na dzień z ‚wszystko źle’ na ‚wszystko dobrze’. Zarówno dziś i moja aktywność do tej pory nie była w pełni zła, jak i jutrzejsza nie będzie w pełni dobra. Progress, not perfection.

Many people who work too hard, or for too long, end up being trapped by their own perfectionism and sense of responsibility – they feel, deep down, that there is no escape. It might be that, some time in the past, they had to prove something to themselves or to others because they felt bullied into it at home or at school, but over the years this has turned into a script that keeps them locked into old habits. This bullying script may once have helped them get what they wanted in life, but now it simply exhausts them. In this way, it’s all too easy to cede all the power to the self-attacking aspect of yourself, and over time, you can come to feel, deep down, that the only possible response is to submit to the pressure. Trapped, your world seems to present fewer and fewer alternatives for action, whatever the reality. The result is long-term demobilisation. Your playfulness becomes paved over with concrete. (Mindfulness, a practical guide to finding peace in a frantic world).

Ten bullying script poprowadził mnie zarówno do wielu sukcesów, masy doświadczeń, bezpieczeństwa finansowego, jak i wielu kompulsywnych zachowań typu obstawianko czy objadanko. Need to take it easy lah. Wdech, wydech, vipassana, zaakceptować rzeczywistość jaką jest, pozbyć się w ten sposób zbędnych oczekiwań. Trzy dni temu wróciłem z urlaubu z Sing, okolo 35 tysiecy kalorii w 6 dni. And I’m still here, I’m still alive. Bezcenne doświadczenie: zaobserwować nadmierne, a momentami kompulsywne, jedzenie i to zaakceptować, bez oceniania. Wróciłem ponad 8 kilo cięższy, pewnie realne przytycie to 3-4kilo. Nie ma znaczenia do końca w jakiej formie teraz jestem, znaczenie ma to, że jestem zmotywowany, żeby ją systematycznie polepszać. Nawet samej drogi nie widzę już jak w poniższych postach: „ten tydzień się nie udał, ten nowy będzie idealny”. To niepoprawny, obłędny perfekcjonizm. Jeśli coś nie wyszło, to najlepszym momentem, żeby zacząć robić to lepiej jest moment uświadomienia sobie tego, a nie ‚jutro’ czy ‚za tydzień’ czy ‚od nowego roku’. Do tego trzeba dołożyć spokój i świadomość, że potknięcia wciąż się będą zdarzały. Trzeba je przyjmować ze spokojem i z moblilizacją, by następnym razem zachować się lepiej. Jak mawia przysłowie, Mam wrażenie, że to krok milowy do mojego recovery (nie mylić z wyleczeniem).

The best time to plant a tree was twenty years ago. The second best time is now.

Za 3 dni będzie 100 dni odkąd zacząłem spisywać swoją żywność w ramach IF. Ciekawie to będzie podsumować.

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